21/02/2014 - Bradford Bears: Guest Match Report - Giles Poole's recollection
To celebrate the continuing unbeaten streak, on Sunday 16th February 2014 the Durham Saints went on a sightseeing tour of Bradford, and while out discovered some rugby posts and white paint that had emerged out of a swamp nearby. To make the most of this rare natural phenomenon we thus decided to play some Football, to the dismay of Sam Joseph’s right knee.
A misplaced key provided the Saints with a quick detour via the changing rooms of Bradford’s Student Union and some interesting stories and perspectives on life from Lee Sample. Nevertheless, come kickoff the Saints were ready to go, and despite a sluggish start our receivers finally remembered how to catch, with Sean Hawkes providing Simon Carey with 2 endzone receptions and Diego Melendez taking an outstanding diving catch to see the Saints go ahead 19-0.
While it has been pointed out by the experts at DoubleCoverage that we do have at our disposal a running back with an ability that makes any defence in our league shake in their cleats; in truth making games somewhat unfair, the fact Freddie Fisher was limited to just a single touchdown in the second quarter does prove that he is in fact still human after all. A Hamstring niggle early on meant Jeremiah Schwartz was limited to discussing numerics with Bradford’s number 63 from the sideline for the remainder of the game.
Nevertheless the Saints powered on regardless, with Darrelle Revis (Sometimes known as Alex Radford for some reason) adapting to the wet conditions to score his first touchdown on English Soil. A humongous hit by Alex ‘Poundland Perron-Pimpton-Lapdance his Girlfriend’ Hampton just before halftime created a free ball in the air, allowing Jamie Gallagher (playing defensive tackle) to demonstrate his flawless catching ability, as well as his need to work on his running game; being stopped half a yard short of the line, preventing undoubtedly what would have been one of the greatest touchdowns in Saints’ History. (See the various works of Dan ‘Pineapple’ Thompson for a full summary).
And so the Saints went into half time with the score at 33-0, very content with our work so far. A half time debrief and pep-talk later, the Saints were back on the field again, and quickly were back in the swing of it, with Chris ‘Bruce’ Holmes matching Revis’ feat by taking his first ever TD to a chorus of “BRUUUUUUUCE” and the standing ovation of Brett Banfield. An interesting facemask call the following 2 point conversion left John Perron with the difficult task of attempting a PAT from what could have been anything from 30 to 300 yards, depending on who exactly you ask. Despite the uneven ground he managed to kick the Mud-soaked Pigskin through the uprights to the biggest cheer of the day, providing Saints’ fans relief that we have managed to find a suitable replacement kicker [edit(20/3/14): suck it lugbug]
after the news of Matt Perrella’s imminent big-money move to Newcastle United.
The absence of our error prone and elusive Number 29 meant that discipline was much improved this week, however one moment of hot-headedness gave a Bradford player the near-death experience of having an angry Jon Kimmons over them, resulting in a penalty flag and a first Dick of the Day award for ‘Big Jon’.
The defence yet again showed their prowess under the leadership of John Perron, allowing only a single first down all game, as well as three fumble recoveries, one of which from a punt charged down by the ever-present Brummie Linebacker that is Dan Shaw, recovered by the recent winner of the prestigious award for the best Egyptian Defensive back/Social Secretary from Geneva, Bahaa Abdel-Ghaffar. And so the final whistle went with the score at 40-0 in favour of the Durham Saints, giving us the unprecedented record of 7-0. Only Huddersfield lie in the way of an unbeaten divisional campaign, after which we will face the best of what this country will have to offer in the playoffs; to which I say BRING IT ON!
Giles Poole, CB & unfairly adjudged Man-Whore of the Durham Saints
Any views expressed by Giles do not necessarily represent those of the club.